Infants Department
Installment 2
The ubiquitous onesie was one of the most popular items in
the infants department. At sixteen I had no experience with babies but I
quickly learned that the bottom snaps on onesies were like an oxygen tank to a
scuba diver.
Customers constantly opened the packages to see how big the products
were. Didn’t matter if the same brand, same size was already on the floor under
the rack. Upon seeing the shiny three pack, customers reached and ripped. Every
night I would fold, roll and cram the onesies into what was left
of their packaging. I replaced them on their hooks where they would hang for months,
distressed like Courderoy, their chances of a Lisa taking them home slim-to-none.
The other most popular item was cribs. Sears had several on
display and customers went down the row giving each a violent shake.
Then, with the same false confidence displayed by tire kickers in a used
car lot, they would pronounce the cribs too rickety.
I would think,
‘Wow! You're right. No one’s ever done that before!’ but I would roll up my sarcastic tongue,
unfurl my graciousness and say, “A lot of customers come through here and shake
the cribs. A new one out of the box would be sturdier.”
Though I assured customers I didn’t work on commission, I was
still eyed with mistrust. That is until I demonstrated the foot release bar
on the drop-side cribs. "Ooohhh!" They would nod, marvel at the convenience and then ask about other features.
Then there was the day I wore a Winnie the Pooh mascot costume
as part of a store event. The costume was designed for a person six inches
taller than me and, with its wool fabric, was a portable sauna. On my 5’4” frame
Winnie's legs rippled like ribbon candy. The cavernous headpiece gave me tunnel
vision so the assistant manager led Stumpy the Pooh through the store and
discreetly indicated the direction in which I was to kindly gesture to customers because I
wasn’t allowed to speak. If you know me then you can imagine just how difficult
it was to keep my mouth shut for seven hours. The only other times I’ve
accomplished this I was asleep.
